Feline Follies: How to Train a Cat

by Mar 18, 2020Turner Tales0 comments

It was the late 1970s and the summer had been hot; not unlike the July weather this year. As an outside worker, sweltering through the hottest part of each day, I looked forward with great anticipation to joining friends at days end for “a cold one” at the Hespeler Legion.

Filling my hand at the bar with a mug of golden liquid, I looked around at a near full barroom. Running late, I had missed my opportunity to gain a chair at the big long table by the bar, where stories flew long and fast. Down the line of tables I spotted an old workmate and friend Jim Alexander and his son Jay, an empty chair beckoned at their table. I joined them with the usual pleasantries and exchanged comments and opinions regarding the overbearing hot spell.

Jim, a true war hero who had been awarded the Military Medal for valor, was a large Scot with a twinkle in his eye and a devilish sense of humour. We had worked together for a few years at Simplicity Products Ltd. before I left to follow other pursuits.

The conversation took a more serious note when Jim asked; “You know that woman that lives in my house?” Now I was aware that when Jim referred to his good wife Elsie in such a fashion, you better pay attention because something important was about to follow. I acknowledged that yes I did.

“You know she loves cats?” Having visited and seen the cats at their home, I replied yes again. “Well she brought home another stray and it is the dirtiest cat in the world!” Of course, I made the mistake of asking why he felt that way.  “You know the front room that faces west at the front of our house?” I agreed that I was aware of the old farmhouse layout. “I like to open the large window, enjoy the nice evening breeze while reclining in my chair, read the newspaper by the setting sun and relax at the end of a hard day.” I agreed it sounded great.

“Well that cat had never been house trained and it sneaked under my chair and did his business on the floor!” You got to be kidding, I replied, what did you do? “I grabbed him by the scuff of his neck and threw him right out the window! “ I’d have done the same thing, I ventured. “Well, it didn’t work “he said, “the very next day he did it again and again I threw it out the window!” I would have got rid of the cat then and there, I opined. “Well that’s not an option as you know she loves cats. This went on for about a week before I finally got it trained.”

It stopped going in the house, I asked. “No, not exactly” he said with a slight smirk on his face, “but now it sh*ts on the floor and jumps out the window!” I spewed a mouthful down the front of my shirt!


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